I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
