nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
