the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
