I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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