ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
