my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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