His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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