He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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