my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
