Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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