Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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