Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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