I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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