My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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