Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
