Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
