I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
