Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
