I wish I only lived at night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize