Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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