she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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