Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
