Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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