somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
