Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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