I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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