Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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