I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
