Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
