i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
