My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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