I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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