He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
