The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
