If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
