a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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