it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
