Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
