I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
