It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I didn't notice because vodka
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
