Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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