I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
