she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
