There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
