I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
