Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
