You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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