Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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