She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
