He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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