So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
