Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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