Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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