I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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