I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
