where am i from again
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
