please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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