I have demons in me.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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