Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
