I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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