if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
