About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
